【USA Archives】

Every Christmas,USA Archives I look forward to one thing and one thing only: nativity drama.

There's nothing more petty and more pure. Whether it's pro-immigration pastors locking the baby Jesus in a cage to protest our border policies or a traditional cis white heteronormative nativity, everyone across the political spectrum has the opportunity to be offended this season.

I'm particularly thankful for America's rich history of queer nativity scenes, which manage to incense the worst people on the internet every few years or so. What a blessing.

SEE ALSO: The best queer moments in culture in 2018

Who could be this angry about a pastoral scene? The internet, that's who! Of course, not all queer nativity scenes incite fury, but when they do, it's rul' gross. Here are some of the queerest nativity depictions -- those that made the news, and those that just made me happy on Twitter.

1. The gay Josephs who also happen to be biological ...twins?

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Don't ask don't tell in this case, please.

2. The two Josephs suffering from post-birth-of-Christ depression

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Twitter user @taber found this delightful queer nativity at a gay bar. I feel for the Josephs and their postpartum pain.

3. The same-sex Joseph couple and their giant purebred dog

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Available as an ornament on Zazzle for $18.95, these images made by retired lesbian pastor Kitteridge Cherry caused a highly conservative Christian campaign group to accuse her of blasphemy.

4. Two Marys and the little baby Jesus, whose head should really be supported right now

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Spread the holy queer word for $3.95 per card on Zazzle.

5. It's a high femme holiday!

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#BlasphemyThoughts: Two virgin sister lesbians would also do really well on PornHub.

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6. This gay baby Jesus on a billboard

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A New Zealand church posted this billboard in 2012 in hopes of raising questions about Jesus' sexual orientation. I'm not a theological scholar myself, but I would say the adult Jesus bears a more than a passing resemblance to Queer Eye's extreme queer Jonathan Van Ness.

Van Ness picked up the connection:

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7. These holy daddies who make me squee

It's well past time for a queer Fisher Price nativity set, don't you think? This guy did.

8. "Bouncers at a gay club" nativity

This nativity features a gay couple being turned away from two bouncers at the club. I suppose the parallel is that there was no room at the gay club so the holy family was forced to go to the boring straights bar.

9. These incredibly good WordPerfect queer nativity couples

This nativity scene, posted by the Claremont United Methodist Church, was vandalized in 2011— either because the perpetrators had a problem with same-sex couples or because they don't like seeing anyone in flare jeans (It was the former).

The vandalism was later investigated as a hate crime.

10. The time the Vatican made a nativity scene and everyone thought the Jesus was gay

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The eroticization of Jesus (look at those abs!) clearly wasn't intentional — but this particular Jesus would nonetheless absolutely destroy on Grindr.

11. The Virgin Mary in drag and her hot masc shepherds

Miss Wendy the drag queen plays the Virgin Mary in drag in 2008. Credit: Peter Dejong/AP/REX/Shutterstock

The Virgin poses with baby Jesus/her niece in Amsterdam in 2008. The nativity was part of the city's special gay Christmas party. Christians for Truth asked the city to cancel the event which the city, to their credit, did not.

12. Snow White and her polyamorous gay elves

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Poly and holy. This nativity was sent to Queer Appalachia, my favorite Instagram account for all things queer and Appalachian and weird.

13. It's a queer alien kind of Christmas

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There was no room on Mars, so they had to come to planet Earth. This nativity was also submitted to Queer Appalachia as part of their Christmas series.

14. Genderfluid Mary and her queer family

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It's not a queer Christmas without a bearded Mary.

O come, all ye faithful queens and queers. Joyful and triumphant, together we will make nativity scenes out of Fisher Price and aliens and drag queens. Merry, merry.

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